I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
