Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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