I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All the doctor said was why
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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