I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
