I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
