Do you still have your period?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
