Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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