You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
