Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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