Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize