I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
