call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
