Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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