I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
