i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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