I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
