3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
