turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
