Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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