Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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