He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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