Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
