You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
