someone get that fucking seahorse.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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