I wish my penis had an off switch
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
