He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
