I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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