Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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