Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
