Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
