wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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