cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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