Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
