I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
