Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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