He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
