I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
