He passed out mid-signature
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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