I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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