Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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