I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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