So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize