Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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