tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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