This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
