My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
