your room smells of hookers.
And success
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
