I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Every concussion has its silver lining
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
