If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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