when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
