I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
