I wanna passion pit in your ass
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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