the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The uberlube is also flammable
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
