i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
