I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
