People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
