I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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