chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What a dumb baby whore.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
