I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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