I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
