we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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